Foster Care is Impossible, but Totally Doable...

Sorry - this post will be lengthy, but there's a LOT to talk about!  Before I get into the actual post itself, let me catch you all up to speed:

Like I previously posted, our application was approved by our county foster care committee on November 18th (Tuesday).  We hurried and signed our completed application that afternoon,  so it could all be submitted to the state the next day.

At that time, we were asked a question by our social worker:  if a child became available before we received our license in the mail, would we be open to a court-ordered placement?

A court-ordered placement is just what it sounds like:  a judge signs off on a child in custody being placed in a home that is not officially licensed by the state, or in our case not officially licensed by the state yet.  We were told that court-ordered placements are rather rare, and the chances of it happening to us if we agreed was going to be slim.  Not that the statistics of the situation mattered much, we agreed to opt into consideration for a court ordered placement if needed.

Our application was submitted the 19th (Wednesday).

Our application was kicked back by the state on the 20th (Thursday) due to missing signatures on one page.  We hurried to get this form back to our social worker quickly.  Our application was updated that same day.

I went to work Friday with the concept of court-ordered placement on my mind for some reason.  I even felt inclined to text our social worker asking (in jest) why we hadn't gotten a call for placement yet.  I went about my daily business with work and found myself done earlier in the day than typical.  Andrew and I made plans to catch a late afternoon/early evening movie (Mockingjay had just come out, after all!).  At 3:30, I was walking around Kohl's, killing time before meeting him at the theater.  At 3:31 (actual time stamp on my phone), I got a text that has changed Andrew's and my life profoundly.

We were asked if we would be open to a placement.

I'm not even going to try to lie - I answered "yes!" before even asking Andrew.  I then turned around and called my husband, filling them in on the limited details that I had at that time.  I booked it to DSS where I sat in the middle of a cubicle block on the floor, playing, holding, hugging, and loving on our little for the next hour and a half (in court-ordered placements you have to wait for specific paperwork and are at the mercy of a judge's schedule, so I knew it was going to be a waiting game).

So, since about 5:30pm Friday, November 21, 2014, Andrew and I have added one to our numbers!  And boy, what a ride it has been so far!

Like I've mentioned in previous posts, we can't talk about most of the details pertaining to any case a child may have that is in our home, no matter the duration of time - so if that's what you're looking for in this post, or any other posts to come, don't hold your breath.  This rule is in place for multiple reasons ethically and legally and is mandated by DSS to all foster families.  But something I've realized in the past 2 weeks alone:  I (and Andrew!) have become fiercely protective of our little.  She is precious.  She is resilient.  She is amazing.  And that is all people need to know about her.  They can learn more about her as they get to know her.  She is not her circumstances.

Another thing that I've realized in the past 2 weeks:  foster care is impossible in multiple ways.  It's not for wusses or the weak of heart.  But it's totally doable.  And more than that, it's totally worth it.

With foster care, it is impossible to not be "all-in" - a huge reality that has sunk in with us is the impact that our little has already had in our life.  We have cried on multiple occasions - not because of the difficulty of caring for our little, but in the thought that the plan of foster care is always first focused on permanency within the family - which would mean she would be leaving us at some point.  People even say in passing "I don't know how you guys will be able to give them back when it's over - I could never do that", speaking in general about the children we will be involved with over the course of our fostering life.

It's not that we can do this because we are some heartless monsters who feel nothing when the thought of having to return a child to their family comes to mind.  No.  We feel the same way I'm sure most of you think you would feel in our shoes.  Actually, the pain is even more magnified than I ever could've imagined.  But, like I've told Andrew: "if it didn't hurt to think about, we'd be doing this wrong."

I'm an adult - does that mean that it hurts any less to think about or have happen?  Absolutely not.  But it means that I should be able to get my emotions in check and for lack of a better term "get a grip".  A child who has been through who-knows-what doesn't have that emotional strength or maturity, and shouldn't be expected to immediately "get a grip" when in the midst of crisis and uncertainty - they need a safe, loving, warm place to fall, and that's what we've signed up for.

We've also noticed a collateral impact that our involvement in foster care has had already:  family and friends are going "all-in" as well, as if our little has been ours and with us since the day she was born.  It's amazing, humbling, and honestly a very peaceful reality for us.  And on that note...


It's impossible to not need others support - this journey is certainly not easy.  This definitely isn't a world that I believe naturally falls within a person's comfort zone.  It becomes acquired and assimilated into one's comfort zone, but at first, the transition is rough, uncomfortable, and downright frustrating at times.  And this is why we need the help and support from others.

I can't begin to list off those in our lives personally, professionally, and in the world of foster care that have bent over backwards to offer us support in numerous ways.  From donations of bags of clothing, diapers, Christmas gifts, etc., to having amazing social workers essentially on speed dial at times, the outpouring of community and help has overwhelmed us.

I know our families and friends were at first apprehensive about our choice to enter into foster care - after all, we did decide just days before the first training session to attend and begin this process.  But let me tell you - it's obvious to see how engaged our families and friends are in our foster care journey with us when you put our little in a room with them.  Never once has she been made to feel like an outsider or "other" in family settings.  Yes, she has a different last name.  No, it doesn't matter in the slightest.

And let me take a second to focus on one huge support/party in all of this:  DSS.  Seriously, I don't know if it's just our county or what, but Andrew and I have been blown away by the professionalism and sensitivity we have been shown by all parties at DSS that we have interacted with.  I would venture to guess that we have talked with upwards of 15 social workers so far - at least.  And each one has asked how we're doing, if we need anything, how they can help us, etc.  I even had one social worker text me on Black Friday letting me know that Target had kid clothing 40% off!  Her text to me read something to the effect of:  "I'm in Target and saw this - it made me think of you guys!"

I know the news has horror stories about DSS offices all of the time - it happens, I understand.  Mistakes are made.  Things are overlooked that shouldn't be.  There are bad people in the world.  There are bad professional people in the world.  The list goes on and on.

But at the end of the day, you don't understand what these folks go through on a daily basis - and neither do we completely!  But we've already caught a decent snapshot of the unfathomable decisions that have to be made, the impossible circumstances they walk into, and they lives they are tasked with protecting and promoting the welfare of - and this is the job/profession they have chosen!  The day we got our call (it was a Friday, remember) - we didn't leave their office until about 6pm or so.  And there were still a handful of workers in the office.  We were told their office is manned 24/7.  We've had contact with workers on holidays.  On weekends.  In the evenings after 6pm.  It's amazing.  And we are truly appreciative for that.


It's impossible to not doubt yourself - Are there moments where we have questioned if we've gotten in over our heads?  Yes.  Are there times where we feel as if we're not prepared or equipped to handle the situation(s) at hand?  Absolutely.  Does it mean that those questions and feelings are true?  Not at all.  I honestly believe the doubt, insecurity, and moments of weakness are Satan's way of attacking, distracting, and undermining a necessary and life-changing ministry area.

I hear people all the time make comments about "not knowing what to do" if they got involved in foster care, or being afraid they'd "mess up" as a foster parent.   Do we know every "right" step to take?  Nope.  Are there rules to being a foster parent?  Yes - there have to to be.  Are they unreasonable?  Not in my opinion.  They make sense.  They're logical.  And they're not difficult to adhere to.  The children in care sometimes come with unimaginable stories - but they're still a child.  A child who needs, at that moment more than ever, to be loved, cherished, and made to feel safe.  And that's exactly what a foster home placement should do.

And at the end of the day, if you are providing them with the love, security, safety, and necessities that they need at that time, what is there to doubt?  The circumstances of any child's case is out of our hands as foster parents 100%.  We have no say.  We have no rights.  And that has to be ok.  We can't let the circumstances of the case distract from the bigger picture:  the now.  What are we doing right now in this child's life to make a profound impact and statement in their life forever?

It's impossible to not get passionate about the world of foster care - I think I may have posted about this before, so if I have, forgive me - but when Andrew and I were taking our training, one of the other prospective foster parents approached us after one evening of training.  Now, mind you - this exchange occurred towards the end of the 5 weeks of training - probably around week 4 or 5.  They came up to us and asked "so, you all said you don't have children of your own, right?".  We affirmed this, somewhat puzzled as we had been rather open to our training group about our motivations and intentions around entering foster care.  This person's follow up question to us struck me at my core - "If you don't have kids, what makes you think you can handle foster care?"  (RUDE - but I digress...)

If I got pregnant for the first time with our first biological child, would it be appropriate for anyone to ever question either of us with this line of questioning?  A question like: "Well, you don't have a child of your own already - what makes you think you can handle this one?"  It doesn't make any sense.  There is no textbook to parenting - whether it's biological, adopted, foster, blended, etc. etc. etc.   I didn't understand why another adult pursuing the same area of helping and public service was tearing down and instilling doubt in another party looking to do the same.  It left me dumbfounded.

What is the stigma around foster parenting?! (Rhetorical question, really - as I am very familiar with most of the quick answers).  Seriously - not every child is some off-the-wall, tearing-up-the-house, cussing-you-out, emotionally disturbed, physically aggressive hellion.  Actually none of them are.

None.  Of.  Them.

At the end of the day, they are a child.  A child that needs love, attention, support, boundaries, security, etc.  Do some children come in with some negative attributes, habits, or behaviors?  Sometimes.  And no matter how difficult it may be in the bad moments to do so - that child has some redeeming qualities to them.  And honestly - I have noticed that the children in care who are pleasant, (mostly) well mannered, loving, appreciative (in their own way), and are teachable outweigh the ones who are not.



I know we're only two weeks into this journey now.  And I know we are going to continue to have elating highs and devastating lows throughout our journey.  But already, these 15 days have shown us that we're doing what we've been called to do - no matter the discomfort or pain that may come.

Because there is joy, love, and hope throughout it all - and that outweighs it all.