"You alone are good"

Sorry for the long absence in updating. If I'm honest, we've been really really busy - between two littles and two on the way (yes, I'm expecting twins!) - things have been a little chaotic to say the least. But if I'm being even more honest, my absence hasn't been for lack of want or trying. 

See, I've honestly sat down over 5 times over the past 6-9 months to write this entry to no avail. It hasn't been writers block - no. It's been something completely different. Something spiritual in nature - but I'll get to that shortly. Every time I've sat to write, I've known exactly what I want and need to convey - but the words do not freely come out. 

Then there are Sunday mornings. We go to a wonderful church 45 minutes from our home, and I volunteer with production of services. What does that mean? It means a kid-free commute to church, blasting Jobe, Tomlin, Elevation, etc. in pure praise and worship bliss for this mama. And my thoughts/message/what-have-you come into clear focus. Like this morning.

So as I sit here during sound check, I'm furiously typing my post in my notes app on my phone (sorry, Jason - promise I'm paying attention!). 

We began our journey into the world of foster care rather abruptly, impulsively, and naively. Yes, I knew what to expect. But i didn't know what to expect. And almost 10 months into living out this calling, I'm still being blindsided with lessons and knowledge and information - both positive and negative in nature. 

In 10 months, we've had three placements, meaning we've had three little kiddos placed with us. Both boy and girl. All between toddler to age 4. All from different backgrounds/situations. And all with different (types of) parents. And that last factor is where the focus of this post lies. 

When people say a child is in foster care, others automatically assume the worst - this poor, helpless child is in a situation beyond their control and shame on those (insert descriptors of choice) parents. They don't deserve to have this precious child. 

I'm not saying that the assumptions made are off base - often they aren't. Often, assumptions made can sometimes be too sterile. Too watered down. Sorry to say, but foster care and the worlds our children come from are often indescribably ugly. 

But see, that's the thing - we talk about "their worlds" as if they're from some far off planet. But they aren't. We're all coexisting in this fallen world we all share - often coexisting frankly too close for comfort. 

And I'll be honest, I feel as if I'm rather open-minded when it comes to many scenarios we are faced with in this. I understand people/parents make mistakes. That doesn't mean their children shouldn't be removed for safety. But it also doesn't mean the parent shouldn't be able to learn, improve, and better themselves for their child. Often, these parents were children who 20+ years ago were in similar situations that their children now find themselves in. They may have been helped. They may not have been. A lot of times these parents are traumatized kids in adult clothing. 

But we've also experienced extreme circumstances. Extreme parents (we've actually been told by a parent that we are the reason their child was taken away). Extreme reasons why a child was removed from their home. And it throws all of the above I talked about out the window in my mind, quite frankly. So back to my talking point: the parents. 

This has been my spiritual struggle and journey the past (almost) year: rectifying and resolving in my heart, mind, and soul how "my" God can love "these people" like he loves me - like He's my possession. 

Call it being closed minded. Call it being ignorant. Call it being caught in my earthly pride. Call it spiritual narcissism (I find this last one rather ironic given our situation, so I chose to use this one when conceptualizing my thoughts). Call it whatever you want. 

But I know it's wrong. And at times, it's made me mad. Confused. Conflicted. 

We have experienced quite a bit with our kiddos. Especially when it comes to their parents. One parent I had a phone number for and could call freely if I needed. One who we've been ordered to have no contact with no matter the circumstance. So yeah - we've experienced quite varying extremes. 

And at times I've felt so alone. Not solitary, because I have the most amazingly supportive husband who had journeyed through this all with me, equally (and sometimes has experienced more extreme situations even more so than myself). But I've felt like we have been alone through this the majority of the time. We can't talk about our kiddos stories, situations, circumstances, etc. And often I wouldn't even if I could - it does no good to my kiddos to have everyone around them knowing their personal business, even at their young ages. And what we can/do share, people don't necessarily understand how it differs from "typical" family life. 

"Oh, she threw an epic tantrum? She just needs to have stricter consequences."

"Oh, he cries uncontrollably at the drop of a hat? You need to get that under control." 

(Neither of the above have been expressed to us directly, but we have gotten similar comments in the past)

Never mind our kids have experienced trauma outside of our doing and beyond our control. Never mind our kids have been exposed to violence and substances and just the unimaginable - none of it our doing, but still impacting our daily lives. Never mind we are tasked with the job of helping these kids get better when the very system that took them away to begin with immediately begins to reunify them and expose them to these factors again (and again, trust me, I'm very much PRO-reunification -when appropriate - I'm just trying to point out the daily discrepancies and difficulties we face in this). 

See how it could wear on you? Make you feel isolated and alone? Even make you (very) bitter at times?

And for a while, that bitterness was my safe spot - not going to lie. I reasoned in my mind, "I couldn't imagine doing (x-y-or-z) to this precious child..." like it made me more godly and less human than I am. But that's just it: I am human. 100%. And the same God who was gracious enough to love me and lift me out of my fallen state did the exact same for the kiddos in my home. 

And their parents. 

I can't look at my kiddos and tell them Jesus loves you and how Great God is, and turn around and deceive myself about God's same love, grace, and acceptance for their parents. It doesn't help me - it actually cripples me and my mind. And it certainly doesn't help effectively teach these precious kiddos the true message and meaning of God's love. 

Then one day, probably back in February (see, this has been a very long struggle in my heart and soul), "Unto Your Name" by Elevation Worship came on in the car. And one line stood out and struck me. 4 words. 

"You alone are good"

Let me clarify. Nowhere in that does it have an "and" or "but". It doesn't say "You alone are good, but Lindsay's pretty high up there too." It's a simple, finite statement: God and God alone is good. He is the very definition of good. And everything and everyone else is not. 

The point is clear: God loves my kiddos parents even when they are unloveable. God is gracious to them even when they have done terrible, unimaginable things. And God wants them - wants them to turn to Him (if they haven't already), follow Him, love Him. 

And my take home has been this: God loves ME (and has loved me) even when I'm unloveable - and heaven knows I have been and can be at times. God is gracious (and has been gracious) to ME even when I have done terrible, unimaginable things. And God wanted ME to turn to Him that day in 1991 when I gave my life to him forever, and He wants me to continue to submit to Him daily. 

I'm no different than my kiddos parents - I'm a fallen, flawed human who messes up daily.  Amazingly, though, I am saved through indescribable grace. And that's nothing exclusive to me - that same grace and love is extended to EVERYONE without exclusion. 

And that is the difference - there is no difference.  If there was, my God would not be so.  That's where my struggle has remained, and I continue to battle off conflicting, intrusive thoughts on a daily basis. 

To listen to the song mentioned earlier: http://youtu.be/XwD178Ru6Pk

Foster Care is Impossible, but Totally Doable...

Sorry - this post will be lengthy, but there's a LOT to talk about!  Before I get into the actual post itself, let me catch you all up to speed:

Like I previously posted, our application was approved by our county foster care committee on November 18th (Tuesday).  We hurried and signed our completed application that afternoon,  so it could all be submitted to the state the next day.

At that time, we were asked a question by our social worker:  if a child became available before we received our license in the mail, would we be open to a court-ordered placement?

A court-ordered placement is just what it sounds like:  a judge signs off on a child in custody being placed in a home that is not officially licensed by the state, or in our case not officially licensed by the state yet.  We were told that court-ordered placements are rather rare, and the chances of it happening to us if we agreed was going to be slim.  Not that the statistics of the situation mattered much, we agreed to opt into consideration for a court ordered placement if needed.

Our application was submitted the 19th (Wednesday).

Our application was kicked back by the state on the 20th (Thursday) due to missing signatures on one page.  We hurried to get this form back to our social worker quickly.  Our application was updated that same day.

I went to work Friday with the concept of court-ordered placement on my mind for some reason.  I even felt inclined to text our social worker asking (in jest) why we hadn't gotten a call for placement yet.  I went about my daily business with work and found myself done earlier in the day than typical.  Andrew and I made plans to catch a late afternoon/early evening movie (Mockingjay had just come out, after all!).  At 3:30, I was walking around Kohl's, killing time before meeting him at the theater.  At 3:31 (actual time stamp on my phone), I got a text that has changed Andrew's and my life profoundly.

We were asked if we would be open to a placement.

I'm not even going to try to lie - I answered "yes!" before even asking Andrew.  I then turned around and called my husband, filling them in on the limited details that I had at that time.  I booked it to DSS where I sat in the middle of a cubicle block on the floor, playing, holding, hugging, and loving on our little for the next hour and a half (in court-ordered placements you have to wait for specific paperwork and are at the mercy of a judge's schedule, so I knew it was going to be a waiting game).

So, since about 5:30pm Friday, November 21, 2014, Andrew and I have added one to our numbers!  And boy, what a ride it has been so far!

Like I've mentioned in previous posts, we can't talk about most of the details pertaining to any case a child may have that is in our home, no matter the duration of time - so if that's what you're looking for in this post, or any other posts to come, don't hold your breath.  This rule is in place for multiple reasons ethically and legally and is mandated by DSS to all foster families.  But something I've realized in the past 2 weeks alone:  I (and Andrew!) have become fiercely protective of our little.  She is precious.  She is resilient.  She is amazing.  And that is all people need to know about her.  They can learn more about her as they get to know her.  She is not her circumstances.

Another thing that I've realized in the past 2 weeks:  foster care is impossible in multiple ways.  It's not for wusses or the weak of heart.  But it's totally doable.  And more than that, it's totally worth it.

With foster care, it is impossible to not be "all-in" - a huge reality that has sunk in with us is the impact that our little has already had in our life.  We have cried on multiple occasions - not because of the difficulty of caring for our little, but in the thought that the plan of foster care is always first focused on permanency within the family - which would mean she would be leaving us at some point.  People even say in passing "I don't know how you guys will be able to give them back when it's over - I could never do that", speaking in general about the children we will be involved with over the course of our fostering life.

It's not that we can do this because we are some heartless monsters who feel nothing when the thought of having to return a child to their family comes to mind.  No.  We feel the same way I'm sure most of you think you would feel in our shoes.  Actually, the pain is even more magnified than I ever could've imagined.  But, like I've told Andrew: "if it didn't hurt to think about, we'd be doing this wrong."

I'm an adult - does that mean that it hurts any less to think about or have happen?  Absolutely not.  But it means that I should be able to get my emotions in check and for lack of a better term "get a grip".  A child who has been through who-knows-what doesn't have that emotional strength or maturity, and shouldn't be expected to immediately "get a grip" when in the midst of crisis and uncertainty - they need a safe, loving, warm place to fall, and that's what we've signed up for.

We've also noticed a collateral impact that our involvement in foster care has had already:  family and friends are going "all-in" as well, as if our little has been ours and with us since the day she was born.  It's amazing, humbling, and honestly a very peaceful reality for us.  And on that note...


It's impossible to not need others support - this journey is certainly not easy.  This definitely isn't a world that I believe naturally falls within a person's comfort zone.  It becomes acquired and assimilated into one's comfort zone, but at first, the transition is rough, uncomfortable, and downright frustrating at times.  And this is why we need the help and support from others.

I can't begin to list off those in our lives personally, professionally, and in the world of foster care that have bent over backwards to offer us support in numerous ways.  From donations of bags of clothing, diapers, Christmas gifts, etc., to having amazing social workers essentially on speed dial at times, the outpouring of community and help has overwhelmed us.

I know our families and friends were at first apprehensive about our choice to enter into foster care - after all, we did decide just days before the first training session to attend and begin this process.  But let me tell you - it's obvious to see how engaged our families and friends are in our foster care journey with us when you put our little in a room with them.  Never once has she been made to feel like an outsider or "other" in family settings.  Yes, she has a different last name.  No, it doesn't matter in the slightest.

And let me take a second to focus on one huge support/party in all of this:  DSS.  Seriously, I don't know if it's just our county or what, but Andrew and I have been blown away by the professionalism and sensitivity we have been shown by all parties at DSS that we have interacted with.  I would venture to guess that we have talked with upwards of 15 social workers so far - at least.  And each one has asked how we're doing, if we need anything, how they can help us, etc.  I even had one social worker text me on Black Friday letting me know that Target had kid clothing 40% off!  Her text to me read something to the effect of:  "I'm in Target and saw this - it made me think of you guys!"

I know the news has horror stories about DSS offices all of the time - it happens, I understand.  Mistakes are made.  Things are overlooked that shouldn't be.  There are bad people in the world.  There are bad professional people in the world.  The list goes on and on.

But at the end of the day, you don't understand what these folks go through on a daily basis - and neither do we completely!  But we've already caught a decent snapshot of the unfathomable decisions that have to be made, the impossible circumstances they walk into, and they lives they are tasked with protecting and promoting the welfare of - and this is the job/profession they have chosen!  The day we got our call (it was a Friday, remember) - we didn't leave their office until about 6pm or so.  And there were still a handful of workers in the office.  We were told their office is manned 24/7.  We've had contact with workers on holidays.  On weekends.  In the evenings after 6pm.  It's amazing.  And we are truly appreciative for that.


It's impossible to not doubt yourself - Are there moments where we have questioned if we've gotten in over our heads?  Yes.  Are there times where we feel as if we're not prepared or equipped to handle the situation(s) at hand?  Absolutely.  Does it mean that those questions and feelings are true?  Not at all.  I honestly believe the doubt, insecurity, and moments of weakness are Satan's way of attacking, distracting, and undermining a necessary and life-changing ministry area.

I hear people all the time make comments about "not knowing what to do" if they got involved in foster care, or being afraid they'd "mess up" as a foster parent.   Do we know every "right" step to take?  Nope.  Are there rules to being a foster parent?  Yes - there have to to be.  Are they unreasonable?  Not in my opinion.  They make sense.  They're logical.  And they're not difficult to adhere to.  The children in care sometimes come with unimaginable stories - but they're still a child.  A child who needs, at that moment more than ever, to be loved, cherished, and made to feel safe.  And that's exactly what a foster home placement should do.

And at the end of the day, if you are providing them with the love, security, safety, and necessities that they need at that time, what is there to doubt?  The circumstances of any child's case is out of our hands as foster parents 100%.  We have no say.  We have no rights.  And that has to be ok.  We can't let the circumstances of the case distract from the bigger picture:  the now.  What are we doing right now in this child's life to make a profound impact and statement in their life forever?

It's impossible to not get passionate about the world of foster care - I think I may have posted about this before, so if I have, forgive me - but when Andrew and I were taking our training, one of the other prospective foster parents approached us after one evening of training.  Now, mind you - this exchange occurred towards the end of the 5 weeks of training - probably around week 4 or 5.  They came up to us and asked "so, you all said you don't have children of your own, right?".  We affirmed this, somewhat puzzled as we had been rather open to our training group about our motivations and intentions around entering foster care.  This person's follow up question to us struck me at my core - "If you don't have kids, what makes you think you can handle foster care?"  (RUDE - but I digress...)

If I got pregnant for the first time with our first biological child, would it be appropriate for anyone to ever question either of us with this line of questioning?  A question like: "Well, you don't have a child of your own already - what makes you think you can handle this one?"  It doesn't make any sense.  There is no textbook to parenting - whether it's biological, adopted, foster, blended, etc. etc. etc.   I didn't understand why another adult pursuing the same area of helping and public service was tearing down and instilling doubt in another party looking to do the same.  It left me dumbfounded.

What is the stigma around foster parenting?! (Rhetorical question, really - as I am very familiar with most of the quick answers).  Seriously - not every child is some off-the-wall, tearing-up-the-house, cussing-you-out, emotionally disturbed, physically aggressive hellion.  Actually none of them are.

None.  Of.  Them.

At the end of the day, they are a child.  A child that needs love, attention, support, boundaries, security, etc.  Do some children come in with some negative attributes, habits, or behaviors?  Sometimes.  And no matter how difficult it may be in the bad moments to do so - that child has some redeeming qualities to them.  And honestly - I have noticed that the children in care who are pleasant, (mostly) well mannered, loving, appreciative (in their own way), and are teachable outweigh the ones who are not.



I know we're only two weeks into this journey now.  And I know we are going to continue to have elating highs and devastating lows throughout our journey.  But already, these 15 days have shown us that we're doing what we've been called to do - no matter the discomfort or pain that may come.

Because there is joy, love, and hope throughout it all - and that outweighs it all.

Q&A

Exciting news! - we received word yesterday around 4pm that our application was approved by our county's review committee for licensure.  Andrew and I both made it down to DSS before 5 to sign off on our completed packet, and tied up some loose ends with our social worker.  

So what does this all mean? - it means that our social worker submitted our application formally to the state office this morning (if all went well!).  Even more, it means that we could be placed with a child any day now.  Literally - any day.

So, to better prepared our loved ones and friends who may not already know more specific details about what we're exactly getting involved in, I thought I'd answer some frequently asked questions we've been fielding lately.  

How many kids will you guys be caring for?

Technically, at this moment, we don't really know.  We could only be placed with one child and only have one for a while.  We could be placed with a sibling group first thing.  We don't know.  But to answer this question in some sort of way - we will be licensed for up to three children at a time.  The state of NC only allows up to five minor-aged children (biological children included) to live in a foster home, just FYI.  There are a lot of other rules and parameters that we have to be aware of when it comes to determining how many children we are licensed for at any given point in time, but that's for us to worry about.  

Also, we are hoping that some of our placements will be long-term.  Some may be respite, short-term, etc. - again, we don't know the duration that we will have littles in our home.  But we truly do hope that some of them are long-term placements.

What ages are you all going to care for?

Again, another unknown.  But we have expressed a preference for caring for children ages birth to 5 years old at this time.  This is simply because of our ages, current stage in life, etc.  However, this doesn't mean that we won't consider taking in an older child if the need arises.  

What agency are you all going through for foster care?

Our license will be held through the Department of Social Services in our home county. 

What kind of foster care will you all be doing?

A lot of people don't realize that in NC, there are multiple levels of "placement" for children that are involved in the system.  Not to get too in-depth in all the details, we will be providing Level I foster care.  Level I is basic, non-therapeutic foster care.  Level II is therapeutic foster care (TFC) - caring for children with developmental, intellectual, and mental health needs that are assessed to need a higher level of skills and training of the caretaker than average.  Level II requires additional training hours (and our license would have to be held through another agency that specializes in TFC).  

Lindsay, you're a counselor.  Why don't you guys want to do TFC?

Honestly, this question is very easy for me (Lindsay) to answer:  I want to enjoy my career and being at work just as much as I want to enjoy (and love!) my family and being at home.  It's a matter of self-care for myself and the preservation of my family when it comes down to it.  Yes, I'm a high energy person - that's part of the reason why I feel like community-based mental health is right up my alley.  But I feel as if I compounded my career and personal life so closely, making them almost inseparable, that would lead to increased burnout and compassion fatigue -  two things I definitely don't want happening - at work or at home!

When you are placed with a child, what can we know about the child if we meet them?

This is a tricky question to answer.  First of all, we as the foster parents aren't even guaranteed the "full story" of the child's background due to multiple factors: the family of origin withholding information, there not being time to get all information conveyed from the family of origin, the child being too young to communicate verbally and explain what's been going on, the child being to traumatized to talk about what's been going on, etc., etc., etc. - the list goes on and on.  But it's not because the social workers aren't doing their job or are trying to get one over on us.  Sometimes we'll know the in-depth details the day we take a child into our home, and other times we'll be along for the ride - learning what's been going on as we go.

That being said, what we find out about our child and their history is for us to know.  Basically what you can know is what is needed to be known to be able to adequately care for the child, keep them safe, and keep others safe with them.  We can't tell you why they're in care.  We can't tell you their family history.  Now, if a child we have is old enough to and decides to talk about it, they can - we just can't tell others their in-depth backgrounds.  It's confidential information, and if any of you know me and my career background, you know I'm a stickler for confidentiality.  So please, don't take it personally if you ask a question and we let you know we can't answer it - it's not because you're a bad person for asking or whatnot - curiosity is a natural thing, and it naturally comes along with circumstances like this.  We just can't share some things.

Now, please trust us - we will ensure that we don't put you, your kiddos, or our littles in precarious situations.  If our child has a trigger, we will definitely let you know if the situation at hand risks exacerbating it (we just can't tell you why it's a trigger).  If our child has "odd" behaviors, habits, preferences, etc., we will try our hardest to prepare you for them - a lot of kids develop coping skills and habits when they're in stressful situations like foster care that others may deem "strange".  

Who can care for the littles?

Well of course, Andrew and myself.  But that's a given.  We have already submitted a list of family members who have been approved to care for our littles at any given point in time.  We have neighbors across the street who are licensed foster parents in our county.  So that's a quick list of who is already approved.  But if at some point we ask you to babysit, care for, etc. any of our kids or if you offer to care for, watch, or have our littles come play with your kiddos (and we won't be present for any period of time), please know we will be asking for a critical piece of information: your social security number. This is because we HAVE to submit your name and SSN to our social worker for a criminal background check to be run before it can be approved for you to care for our littles.  Don't worry - you don't necessarily have to give the number to us directly.  We can easily give you our social worker's contact information and you can give that information to her directly.  This is simply for the protection of all parties involved, but especially for the protection of our precious littles.  

Will you guys adopt your littles?

One of the very first discussions in our MAPP training was fostering v. adoption.  The DSS stance on placement in foster care is ultimately reunification with the birth family when feasible - whenever possible, children in foster care will be returned to their parents, family of origin, etc. to some capacity if the legal steps are taken by the parties involved as decided by the judge in court.  So, long story short - we were told first thing to not get our hearts set on adoption.  However, adoption through DSS is not unheard of, and is not uncommon.  So there is still a chance.  

But please, can I appeal to you all - do not ask this question in front of any of our littles?!   I (Lindsay) will shut you and the conversation down cold if you ask this in front of any of our kiddos.  They have already been through so much coming into our home and family, and even though the possibility of stability through adoption sounds good and looks good on paper, it doesn't make it any less traumatic and difficult on the child.  

I think this article articulates a lot of concerns and things we hoped to express to others in this journey, even though we are just beginning this journey and have yet to take in a placement.  If you would, give it a read when you have the opportunity.  Some of the things I discussed above are mentioned in this article, and some things aren't mentioned in my post, but are good to still be aware of.

Do you guys still need anything?

YES!  We have been amazed and blessed by the outpouring of love, support, prayers, donations, etc. so far - thank you all so much!  But we definitely still need some critical things: clothes and shoes especially!  We were informed yesterday that there has been a dramatic increase in our county of children being taken out of their homes with absolutely nothing but the clothes on their back due to environmental/safety concerns in the home.  So, chances are when we get a child placed in our home - when they go back to their home (whenever that day may be) - they'll more than likely be sent with a great portion of what we have on hand.  Meaning, we are going to cycle through clothes like nobody's business.  I talked with a foster mom who told me she has gone through 3 rounds of 6 month old baby girl clothing because she's had 3 placements who had nothing back to back.  And trust me, if we find that we have too much of a particular size, type, etc. of clothing, I have already begun letting our social worker know what we have to donate to other families/children in need - it will go to a kiddo who could use it!

We still need newborn, baby, toddler, and small child clothing at this time for all seasons.  I've started a bin/organization system to make storing and sorting through everything easier.  We especially need shoes.  At this time, we only have 3 pairs of shoes for kiddos - definitely need more!  We could use diapers (all sizes), wipes, bottles, formula coupons, diaper coupons, bibs, toys, books, movies, etc.  Basically anything you can think of, we could probably use!  And we honestly don't mind coming to you to get whatever you may have to donate.  

Again, thank you all for your prayers, love, and support during this time.  It's going to be quite a journey, but we couldn't be more excited to start!  

-Lindsay

How Quickly Our Life Changes...(aka - how the weekend went!)

I requested this last Friday off.  I don't know exactly why I decided to take it off - we didn't have anything specific planned necessarily - let's call in a hunch.  I knew I needed a day off - my job is hectic, tedious, stressful, etc., etc., etc.  I needed a break.

And boy, am I ever thankful I asked for Friday, November 7, 2014 off.

Not because I had to work the night before (actually morning of) until 12:02am-ish due to a work related incident.  Yeah, I of course thought in that moment "oh my goodness, sleeping in is well deserved."

Not because of the day filled with "nothing to do" that I had planned out ahead of myself, but didn't come to fruition.

I am soooo thankful I took this last Friday off because of the call that came at 10:31am Friday.  But let me back up really quick, because I truly think that this weekend was God-orchestrated from the very beginning...

Yes, I got home early Friday morning just shortly after midnight from a work-related matter.  I intentionally turned off my alarm that is usually automatically set for M-F mornings.  I made sure my phone was set on silent - I was bound and determined to wake up when my body woke me up, and I was going to settle for nothing less.  I was successful in this endeavor until around 8:55am, when I woke up and noticed my mom had tried calling me, asking me to meet her (she was in town for part of the weekend), my sister, and my nephew for breakfast.  I agreed, told my husband (who was up getting ready to go to his office), and asked if he wanted to join.  He said he would like to join us, so we got ready and met them for breakfast.  

The plan was for me to spend the rest of the time with my family (shopping, of course!) and for Andrew to go on to work.  We met up for breakfast around 9:40am.  We rehashed our plans for the day over our meals, and were starting to pay and leave - then came the call.  The call wasn't saved in my phone under a specific contact.  It showed up as a "Gastonia, NC" phone number - I thought it was work related (silly me) and rejected the call. 

But then, Andrew's phone started ringing.  Same phone number (strange).  Then it hit me.  I told Andrew I thought it was our DSS case worker since the number had just tried me.  He answered.  It was her.  Andrew, who usually isn't short on words, looked at me in surprise and told our caseworker, "um - just a minute, let me let you talk to Lindsay..."  I had no clue what was going on.  All I knew is that we were a week and a half away from our county review for foster care licensure (that's coming up on the 18th) - she could only be calling with complications or bad news, right?

Wrong.  Oh, so wrong.

We were asked if we would consider taking in two littles for the weekend to provide their current placement with respite so they could celebrate a special occasion just the two of them (Respite is just a fancy term for extended babysitting, essentially).  The littles were both under the age of 5.  And we were asked if a 2pm pick-up time that day was ok.

Andrew and I talked quickly about it, and determined that we would take advantage of this opportunity.  We saw a lot of benefits to this scenario: it got us used to having (multiple) children in our home, it got us connected with at least one other foster family, it was time limited (Friday-Sunday), and it got us used to personal emotions associated with and the process of helping the children we take into our care transition back to the family from which they came to us.  There were definitely many other benefits to our weekend that we acknowledged beforehand and throughout, but these were the "biggies".

So, at 10:45am we start scrambling.  Andrew was no longer going into the office to work, and I was no longer going shopping - we had to go home and get our house ready for two littles!!!  This included picking up around the house, converting our crib to a toddler bed, installing a car seat (we borrowed another from their family), and making sure to have snacks and food on hand that little kiddos like to eat.

Top: What our "kiddo" bedroom looked like within an hour of us finding out we were going to have two littles over the weekend!

Bottom: We figured out how to install the carseat we got recently pretty quickly.  Yay us!

By 2pm, we had two littles in the backseat of our car.  Woah.  Literally, one minute it was just the two of us, the next we were matched with kiddos.  They were quiet somewhat at first - it took the younger one a little longer to warm up - but by a little longer, I mean they were both laughing a clicking their tongues in amusement in our backseat within 10 minutes of us heading to our house.  They were adorable.  Seriously - not even kidding.  Cutest.  Things.  Ever.

Our Friday was spent playing dress-up, watching kid shows on Netflix, going to Monkey Joe's, and pizza at CiCi's (and shout out to my mom and sister for their extra help during the last two excursions that evening!).  The littles were drained by the time we got back home.  Actually, one was tuckered out at dinner - so much to the point that they had to prop their head up on their hand to finish eating their pizza (again, I reiterate: Cutest.  Things.  Ever.).  I was exhausted myself.  I fell asleep around 8:30 that night - no lie!

Saturday and Sunday were great too - they went with us on Saturday down to SC on an excursion  to go to a Christmas event with my mom, sister, and mother in law while Andrew stayed with his dad, brother, and our nephew and watched football.  Again, they were great - so well behaved, so sweet, and again, so cute.  That night ended with spaghetti at home and watching a movie.  Sunday we went to church, came home for a quick lunch, and packed up and met back up with their placement family.  

This weekend was such a blessing.  It honestly couldn't have gone better - and we know that this is not necessarily the "norm" of parenting - no matter the context of that role.  We by no means are assuming it's all sunshine and rainbows because of this weekend's interactions - trust me, I know how nitty-gritty some scenarios can get...I may not have had the children living in my home specifically, but I've worked intensely with them in the past.  But we had such a good time.  The roles of us being caretakers  to small children just fell into place so naturally.  And most of all, we felt as if we bonded so well with them (as well as their placement family).  

Yes, the drop-off today stung a little, not gonna lie.  But I am thankful at the same time - we needed to experience this, because it is going to happen in the future, guaranteed. I am so thankful they have such a loving, gentle, stable family to go home to.  I am so thankful that they even talked to us about potentially providing respite to them in the future.  And I am so thankful to have been able to pour ourselves into two precious littles for a period of time, even if for only a weekend.

Also, can I just say, I am we are so ready for November 18th?!?!   Seriously!!!  I honestly texted our case worker once we left drop-off stating how ready we were for licensure.  This weekend only solidified our calling to this area of ministry, and we couldn't be more excited!

What we've been up to in the past few weeks and how you can help...

I don't think we ever imagined that our decision to pursue foster care training about 2 months ago would leave us down the path that it currently is - but, boy are we excited! 

We haven't completed everything we have to have done for licensure quite yet, but we are getting mighty close.  And by the end of next week, we hope to have everything submitted to our social worker for review at the beginning of November.

But, here's an account of the things we have managed to have completed in just the past three weeks:

• We have completed our MAPP training - This is the required training for prospective foster parents.  We had to go to class every Monday and Tuesday evening for 5 weeks (a total of 30 hours) to learn the fundamentals of foster care.  This class was highly informative and our call to foster care/adoption was solidified through this course.  But I gotta say, it is so nice to have my Monday and Tuesday nights back to myself!  
• We attended panel night - This was actually an aspect of our training, but I'm making it a separate point because it really stood out for Andrew and me.  Panel night occurred last Monday evening, and included two active foster couples.  One of the couples was actually younger than Andrew and myself - which was actually a huge answered prayer for me (Lindsay).  We got to ask questions of them, and they offered a lot of useful insight and advice to us.  
• We have started on the "Kiddo Room" - This is probably one of the biggest changes over the past couple of weeks.  The room that I used to adoringly refer to as the "wedding room" in the house (because it's where I collected everything needed for our big day) has begun it's transformation into a kid's room.  

This is what the bedroom looked like around noon on Sunday, October 5th...

The room looked like this around 2pm or so that same day...

By last Wednesday evening, the room looked more like this!

And as of tonight, I finished making the bumper!

• This is definitely one of the most exciting parts about everything.  It's fun pulling everything together for the room and getting it "kid ready".  It's also exciting walking past the room daily and knowing that in a few weeks, we could have a kid (or a few kids!) living in this very spot!  I still have a few other projects to work on for the room, but it's coming together great.
• We finished all of our interviews - as of today! - When pursuing licensure for foster care, prior to everything being considered complete, you have to go through a series of 3 interviews.  These interviews are very personal, getting to the nitty-gritty of a lot of different aspects of one's life, upbringing, parenting philosophy, etc. to determine appropriateness and preparedness for fostering/adopting.  So, for the past 3 Thursday afternoons, Andrew and I have met with our social worker to complete these interviews.

Through this process, we have been humbled and appreciative of all of the positive feedback and support that we've received from family and friends in the past few weeks - it truly has been such a blessing to know that we have such an amazing support system around us during this time.  A lot of people have asked the same question: what can we do to help?

I wanted to make sure to answer this question as thoughtfully as possible, so I've mulled it over, and here is (part of) my answer:

• First and foremost, please pray for us.  We know what we're getting into - but at the same time, we have no idea what we're getting into.  We've been thoroughly trained in certain aspects of what to expect with fostering children in DSS custody, but at the same time, we don't know what it's like to actually live this kind of life.  We don't know what children we will be asked to take into our homes.  We don't know their backgrounds and needs.  And we don't know the exact pain and hurt that we will experience when/if we're told it's time for them to return home to their family.  But we know that it's going to hurt.  It's going to be unlike anything we've ever experienced, we're sure.  But please pray that when that time comes, that our hearts are not hardened towards fostering by the experience, but instead softened further to the cause of helping children and families desperately in need.
• Please be understanding of the fact that our lives are about to drastically change.  We have thoroughly prayed about this and feel as if we're called to this means of growing our family.  Please understand that one day we may not have any children in our care, but the very next we may have a few!  Plans will change, routines will drastically alter - we will have to create a new normal.  And we are so excited about these changes coming our way!  
• Please consider donating anything you or your child no longer uses/needs if you feel called to do so.  Let's face it, we're starting fresh with this - we have no kids of our own at this time.  And we're being asked to jump in head first into parenting.  There's no guarantee our first placement will be a baby - we could very well have a four year old.  We could very well have a sibling group placed with us very first thing.  Or we could be asked to keep an 8 year old just for a weekend.  And because of all of this uncertainty, we have no idea where to really begin in collecting essential items.  The real eye-opener for us was at panel night.  The couple that was younger than us has been doing foster care for over a year already and have already had twelve different children placed in their home - over half of them being babies!!!

We have some staple essentials:  one crib that can convert to a toddler bed, one stroller, a pack-n-play, one car seat, a high chair, and a toddler swing - but honestly, that's about it.  So, with that being said, here are some of our biggest needs:

• Clothes - any size, any gender, any season - seriously!  Onesies, shirts, pants/shorts, dresses, socks, shoes - it doesn't matter!  We already have access to plastic bins to arrange these items that way we can "grab and go" as needed.  This is probably our GREATEST need, as we have no idea where to even begin collecting at this time.  We were advised by other foster parents that we will continually go through clothes with children in our home because often times they come in with nothing, so when they leave, they leave with everything you have that fits them!
• Diapers and Wipes - again, any size.  Newborns and preemies are sometimes in foster care.  And given that we requested a younger age range, we will more than likely be in need of these sooner than later!  If you find that your baby outgrew a size before you used up all of your packs, or that you have an extra pack of wipes just laying around, we could definitely put these items to great use.
• Formula Coupons - doesn't matter the brand, size, etc. 
• Toys and Books - again, anything is appreciated.  Another aspect where we don't know where to start collecting items.
• Anything else that may be essentials/of use at some point! - baby monitors, accessories, dishes, bedding, etc. etc. etc.  I honestly don't know what else to list right now (I'm also exhausted at the moment), but I know this is by no means an exhaustive list!

If we find that we are not in need of something that you would like to donate to us, we will certainly be happy to pass along the item(s) to a family or ministry who would greatly benefit from the item, such as Least of These Gaston.   We promise to be good stewards of what you bless us (and the children in our homes) with.

As always, we're here to talk openly about our journey - please get in touch with us about any questions you may have about our journey!  Love you all!

What Our "Thing" Is... (*spoiler alert*: changes!)

So, I haven't been posting much on here and on social media lately.  I know my last post (in mid-August) listed off multiple factors contributing to the neglect of my blog - and a lot of those things carry over to now.  However, there's another reason why I've been somewhat "rogue" online...

You see, this morning, I had to go Sheriff's Office in our home county to get fingerprinted.  I posted a short update on facebook earlier today giving a snippet of an exchange I had in the waiting room (who knew SO's had waiting rooms?!).  I apparently went to get fingerprinted at the same time another man decided to turn himself in.  The officer behind the desk asked him to take a seat in the same area I was sitting, so he sat two chairs down from me.  I sat there quietly, minding my own business when he suddenly turned to me and inquired: "so are you here for the same thing?"

First - I didn't know what his "thing" was.  But since it involved turning himself in to the sheriff's office, I ventured to assume not.

Second - My thing is not just my "thing".  It's mine and my husband's "thing".  Now granted, my husband had to be somewhere an hour away for work first thing this morning, and I take any free opportunity I have before/after work to get things done during normal 9-5 business hours - so I was there alone.  But our "thing" is definitely ours...

But before I get to that, I have a puzzle for you guys:

What do these photo snippets all have in common?

I'll give you a few moments...

...

...figure it out?...

...

Stumped?

Don't worry - I'll help you out!  As of last night all of the electric sockets have plugs in them.  We've begun acquiring new pieces of furniture.  Our 3rd bedroom, which once had nothing in it, is soon going to rapidly begin transforming.  I spoke to a fire marshall for the first time in my life this morning.  I have my fingerprints sitting on my kitchen table downstairs, and my husband is having his run on Monday morning.  We now have a carbon monoxide detector and fire extinguisher in our house.

So what does this all mean?

It means Andrew and I have together decided to venture into the world of becoming foster parents.  Yep.  You read that right.  

Foster.  

Parents.  

Put those two words together again: Foster Parents.  

Woah.  

This is quickly becoming a reality to us.  We have been taking classes 6 hours a week for the last 4 weeks (this upcoming week is our last week!), have already completed our first of three intensive interviews with our case worker, and are slated to have our 2nd interview and home inspection next week.  

Our immediate families know already about this decision.  A few close friends and confidants are aware of this as well.  However, we decided to wait til now to let everyone know about our decision for multiple factors.  

Quite honestly, when I (Lindsay) started confiding in people about this decision, I was taken aback by a response that I received from someone.  I let someone that I worked with as a professional peer know that I had to get to class one night.  When she asked what kind of class, I explained that we had decided to become licensed foster parents.  Her response was: "why would you want to do that?"  Now, trust me - I know fostering/adoption is not for everyone.  Not everyone understands or is called to participate in this world.  However - when I told her that we were thinking about doing this, I confided in her with the knowledge that she herself was a licensed foster parent with multiple placements in her home.  I was dumbfounded, to say the least.  This response made me become very guarded with who I told.

Also, we've been pretty "hush hush" about it because of the unknown.  We didn't know what to expect from the process or classes.  We didn't want to announce that we were going to become foster parents prematurely, only to have our schedules not match up with the class requirements, or us determine right now is not the right time for us to venture into fostering, or any other number of reasons.  But as the classes have gone on, and we have taken further steps into solidifying our application for licensure, Andrew and I have been amazed at how much more at peace we are becoming and assured in the fact that we are doing what we feel we have been called to do as a family.  

So, I'll say it again - we're becoming foster parents.  And we know that with this, a lot of changes are going to come about.  

For example, we won't be posting as much online - especially pictures.  This is because we are unable to post pictures (or any other identifiable information) online of our future foster kiddos.  Also, it just safeguards us as a family from other issues that may arise from being involved in such delicate situations like fostering.  Doesn't mean we're gone completely or forever - it just won't be as much or the same as before.

Also, our schedules are definitely going to be changing.  We are two busy adults with very distinct careers and schedules about our weeks.  Now, add a child (or children) to this equation, and life is gonna be very different.  But hopefully, very rewarding and fulfilling.  

Finally, the most distinct change of all is going to be our increased need for love, support, prayers, advice, etc. from our families and friends.  Yes, we know, we're going to be new to this thing called parenting.  But every parent - biological, foster, or adoptive - had to start somewhere.  And this is where we have decided to begin.  And there is joy and peace in that.

Just because we aren't posting publicly online about every little step in our journey, doesn't mean that we're not open to talking to you about it.  I'll be posting periodically about things we've learned and experienced throughout this, but we also welcome your questions and interest.  Feel free to call, text, message, or walk right up and talk to us about this.  We are so excited about where this step in our lives is going to take us!

Thank you for your love and support!

I'm not gone...

It's been a while since I've updated/posted on my progress.  This is due to multiple factors including:

*My crazy-busy work schedule

*Vacation

*A broke foot, which put my exercise regimen on hold for a little over a month

*Health stuff (always a fun one!)

*And (*transparency alert*) - a lack of motivation to write and update due to said health "stuff" - it can all get a little overwhelming at times, and while I have a TON of thoughts and things to say at any given moment, I can't seem to ever write it all out...

But, this WILL be changing.  Soon.  Even if I have to force myself.  I'm gonna get back to updating and whatnot, I promise.  So stay alert for updates coming!

- Lindsay