So what does this all mean? - it means that our social worker submitted our application formally to the state office this morning (if all went well!). Even more, it means that we could be placed with a child any day now. Literally - any day.
So, to better prepared our loved ones and friends who may not already know more specific details about what we're exactly getting involved in, I thought I'd answer some frequently asked questions we've been fielding lately.
How many kids will you guys be caring for?
Technically, at this moment, we don't really know. We could only be placed with one child and only have one for a while. We could be placed with a sibling group first thing. We don't know. But to answer this question in some sort of way - we will be licensed for up to three children at a time. The state of NC only allows up to five minor-aged children (biological children included) to live in a foster home, just FYI. There are a lot of other rules and parameters that we have to be aware of when it comes to determining how many children we are licensed for at any given point in time, but that's for us to worry about.
Also, we are hoping that some of our placements will be long-term. Some may be respite, short-term, etc. - again, we don't know the duration that we will have littles in our home. But we truly do hope that some of them are long-term placements.
What ages are you all going to care for?
Again, another unknown. But we have expressed a preference for caring for children ages birth to 5 years old at this time. This is simply because of our ages, current stage in life, etc. However, this doesn't mean that we won't consider taking in an older child if the need arises.
What agency are you all going through for foster care?
Our license will be held through the Department of Social Services in our home county.
What kind of foster care will you all be doing?
A lot of people don't realize that in NC, there are multiple levels of "placement" for children that are involved in the system. Not to get too in-depth in all the details, we will be providing Level I foster care. Level I is basic, non-therapeutic foster care. Level II is therapeutic foster care (TFC) - caring for children with developmental, intellectual, and mental health needs that are assessed to need a higher level of skills and training of the caretaker than average. Level II requires additional training hours (and our license would have to be held through another agency that specializes in TFC).
Lindsay, you're a counselor. Why don't you guys want to do TFC?
Honestly, this question is very easy for me (Lindsay) to answer: I want to enjoy my career and being at work just as much as I want to enjoy (and love!) my family and being at home. It's a matter of self-care for myself and the preservation of my family when it comes down to it. Yes, I'm a high energy person - that's part of the reason why I feel like community-based mental health is right up my alley. But I feel as if I compounded my career and personal life so closely, making them almost inseparable, that would lead to increased burnout and compassion fatigue - two things I definitely don't want happening - at work or at home!
When you are placed with a child, what can we know about the child if we meet them?
This is a tricky question to answer. First of all, we as the foster parents aren't even guaranteed the "full story" of the child's background due to multiple factors: the family of origin withholding information, there not being time to get all information conveyed from the family of origin, the child being too young to communicate verbally and explain what's been going on, the child being to traumatized to talk about what's been going on, etc., etc., etc. - the list goes on and on. But it's not because the social workers aren't doing their job or are trying to get one over on us. Sometimes we'll know the in-depth details the day we take a child into our home, and other times we'll be along for the ride - learning what's been going on as we go.
That being said, what we find out about our child and their history is for us to know. Basically what you can know is what is needed to be known to be able to adequately care for the child, keep them safe, and keep others safe with them. We can't tell you why they're in care. We can't tell you their family history. Now, if a child we have is old enough to and decides to talk about it, they can - we just can't tell others their in-depth backgrounds. It's confidential information, and if any of you know me and my career background, you know I'm a stickler for confidentiality. So please, don't take it personally if you ask a question and we let you know we can't answer it - it's not because you're a bad person for asking or whatnot - curiosity is a natural thing, and it naturally comes along with circumstances like this. We just can't share some things.
Now, please trust us - we will ensure that we don't put you, your kiddos, or our littles in precarious situations. If our child has a trigger, we will definitely let you know if the situation at hand risks exacerbating it (we just can't tell you why it's a trigger). If our child has "odd" behaviors, habits, preferences, etc., we will try our hardest to prepare you for them - a lot of kids develop coping skills and habits when they're in stressful situations like foster care that others may deem "strange".
Who can care for the littles?
Well of course, Andrew and myself. But that's a given. We have already submitted a list of family members who have been approved to care for our littles at any given point in time. We have neighbors across the street who are licensed foster parents in our county. So that's a quick list of who is already approved. But if at some point we ask you to babysit, care for, etc. any of our kids or if you offer to care for, watch, or have our littles come play with your kiddos (and we won't be present for any period of time), please know we will be asking for a critical piece of information: your social security number. This is because we HAVE to submit your name and SSN to our social worker for a criminal background check to be run before it can be approved for you to care for our littles. Don't worry - you don't necessarily have to give the number to us directly. We can easily give you our social worker's contact information and you can give that information to her directly. This is simply for the protection of all parties involved, but especially for the protection of our precious littles.
Will you guys adopt your littles?
One of the very first discussions in our MAPP training was fostering v. adoption. The DSS stance on placement in foster care is ultimately reunification with the birth family when feasible - whenever possible, children in foster care will be returned to their parents, family of origin, etc. to some capacity if the legal steps are taken by the parties involved as decided by the judge in court. So, long story short - we were told first thing to not get our hearts set on adoption. However, adoption through DSS is not unheard of, and is not uncommon. So there is still a chance.
But please, can I appeal to you all - do not ask this question in front of any of our littles?! I (Lindsay) will shut you and the conversation down cold if you ask this in front of any of our kiddos. They have already been through so much coming into our home and family, and even though the possibility of stability through adoption sounds good and looks good on paper, it doesn't make it any less traumatic and difficult on the child.
I think this article articulates a lot of concerns and things we hoped to express to others in this journey, even though we are just beginning this journey and have yet to take in a placement. If you would, give it a read when you have the opportunity. Some of the things I discussed above are mentioned in this article, and some things aren't mentioned in my post, but are good to still be aware of.
Do you guys still need anything?
YES! We have been amazed and blessed by the outpouring of love, support, prayers, donations, etc. so far - thank you all so much! But we definitely still need some critical things: clothes and shoes especially! We were informed yesterday that there has been a dramatic increase in our county of children being taken out of their homes with absolutely nothing but the clothes on their back due to environmental/safety concerns in the home. So, chances are when we get a child placed in our home - when they go back to their home (whenever that day may be) - they'll more than likely be sent with a great portion of what we have on hand. Meaning, we are going to cycle through clothes like nobody's business. I talked with a foster mom who told me she has gone through 3 rounds of 6 month old baby girl clothing because she's had 3 placements who had nothing back to back. And trust me, if we find that we have too much of a particular size, type, etc. of clothing, I have already begun letting our social worker know what we have to donate to other families/children in need - it will go to a kiddo who could use it!
We still need newborn, baby, toddler, and small child clothing at this time for all seasons. I've started a bin/organization system to make storing and sorting through everything easier. We especially need shoes. At this time, we only have 3 pairs of shoes for kiddos - definitely need more! We could use diapers (all sizes), wipes, bottles, formula coupons, diaper coupons, bibs, toys, books, movies, etc. Basically anything you can think of, we could probably use! And we honestly don't mind coming to you to get whatever you may have to donate.
Again, thank you all for your prayers, love, and support during this time. It's going to be quite a journey, but we couldn't be more excited to start!
-Lindsay
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